“You’ve supported me from the start, whenever I’ve run into trouble emotionally and otherwise. You’ve always known when the storms were coming about 85 percent of the time, and when you didn’t, you did well in helping me to overcome things and heal anyway. Now you’re the one in trouble and you’re fighting like hell to handle things on your own as much as possible? Does that make sense, Brian?”
Julia spoke the above as we lay in bed last night. The conversation didn’t stop there, either. She continued on softly with, “Did you think I wasn’t going to notice? You’ve been fighting all day to keep it together and you didn’t have to. You don’t have to now. Unlike the rest of Newton NJ, your house really is a stigma free zone.”
When I turned on my side to face her, she giggled and said softly, “And don’t give me that line of bullshit that you don’t want to wear out the welcome mat. It’s a good quality doormat and you own it. So… What’s the story? What’s going on in that head of yours?”
I just looked at her and shook my head. “I would tell you if I knew,” I replied. “Really. I would. But I don’t,” I finished.
“So, if you break down… You have to know why you’re breaking down?” Julia asked. When I nodded, I felt Julia’s hands reach out towards me from her side of the bed as she spoke gently, saying, “But it’s happened before, and you’ve never gotten in trouble for it or anything. Nothing bad has ever happened between us because you couldn’t explain the tears, right?”
I nodded again and Julia moved closer to me saying, “You’re scared. You are feeling low and you’re not sure why. Am I right?”
When I continued nodding, Julia then said warmly, “Old habits die hard. I get that. But I swear to you, your feelings are allowed to defy logic around here. What you feel doesn’t always have to make sense. I’m sure you already know that. But now I’m telling you to your face… Yes… Me… Julia… Your wife… You don’t have to be able to explain what you feel all the time. I’m going to keep reminding you of that until it sinks in,” Julia finished with a firm note in her tone.
Julia then added quietly after a long pause, “You’re safe here. You can let go.”
After speaking she moved closer to me still, pulling my body against hers and kissing me deeply. After that… Well… Next thing I knew it was morning.
Waking up was a pleasant affair and when Julia kissed me just before heading out the door to the office building in town to run more marriage counseling sessions, she breathed in my ear, “Remember what we talked about last night. You don’t have to explain or try and hide how you’re feeling from me.” She then gave me one last squeeze as she whispered, “Remember,” before getting into her car and heading out.
By the time Julia got home at 4:30 PM, I’d gotten quite a bit of work done. The traffic has really been humming along on Brian Schnabel’s Head Space, many commenters seeming to genuinely appreciate a lot of the tech articles written. That site has led to more than a few new clients of late, which has helped to keep me busy, even if it’s just been IT consulting via email.
Julia was pretty quiet all through dinner. But those hands kept playfully moving in my direction under the table. I knew, too, she was watching me like a hawk, and I could sense why.
“I’m thinking part of this business with moods… Um… Depression or whatever it’s called… It’s Uh… Maybe it’s chemical?” I finally said quietly.
Julia said playfully, “That certainly would be one explanation and a real possibility.” Then she said slyly, “But it would also gift wrap the whole package with an explanation complete with a bow so that it fits into Brian’s Emotional 101 Explained.”
Julia then put an arm around my shoulders saying, “Not everything has to be explainable. But… Yes. It could simply be body chemistry playing games. And sometimes it probably is. For All of Us!” Julia putting a heavy emphasis on the last four words.
“How do you want to proceed?” Julia asked as we cleaned up the kitchen after eating. “I don’t know,” I responded. “I’m not sure. Drugs? I have concerns about that,” I finished.
Julia didn’t say anything for a long time. But after all was taken care of kitchen wise, she pulled me into a hug and said, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. The door is always open to talk things through, too, with regard to that. You have Shannon to guide you as well. Don’t forget that.”
Julia then said laughing as she watched my face, “I know you don’t tell her everything either. And… No… Don’t even go there thinking we’ve been talking because she and I haven’t. It’s just that I know you’re emotionally guarded, even with me at times. So, it doesn’t take rocket science to figure some things out.”
Julia then kissed me playfully saying, “Don’t take offense to that. You know it’s true and I do understand. Really, I do.”
Then she pulled me towards the bathroom saying, “Come shower with a pretty girl and then let her pleasure you in bed. Now Mr. Schnabel!” Julia said in a playful stern tone. “Move your ass!”
The shower was fun as always and Julia… Well… Julia had some ideas that manifested long before we ever found the mattress.
I could swear the woman’s been taking gymnastics classes or something. And… The things she’s able to do with those throat muscles of hers… “Oh my! Oh Yea!”