“It’s quite the thing sometimes to be at center, right at the gate between consciousness and unconsciousness even though your adrenals are fully engaged as certain imagery begins coming up clear as a bell. I just wish I knew where all this was coming from. Panic attacks… Whatever you call them… I just want to find the trigger, but I can’t.”
Julia sat quietly in my desk chair as I lay on the couch in my study speaking the above at 4:30 AM. She sat for a long while before finally taking a deep breath and asking, “You feel like you’re weak because of this?”
I nodded and she then asked, “How do you think you’re supposed to have managed everything that’s happened in the past six weeks?” I replied, “One hell of a lot better than I am now. I can get caught in the middle of the ShopRite intersection at the height of rush hour traffic because my service dog thought it was a good idea to do a diagonal crossing with cars going every which way around me and I don’t lose it. I stay calm all the while knowing I could be killed at any second. But with this stuff that’s been going on… It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.”
I then sat up and began to stand when Julia said, “Give me a second,” and headed out of the study, returning a moment later and handing me a coffee. “Thanks,” I said quietly, relaxing on the couch again as I took the cup. Julia sat down at my desk again and I said, “Some days I feel like I got it on the ball. But then I get another phone call about… Well… You know what’s going on and… I really don’t get it. The whole situation feels wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. I can barely manage me and that’s not right either.”
Julia seemed to turn and look at my computer monitor for a second, asking as she did so, “Does running the Reality Creation site help? I see you’ve been doing more back posting when you can’t sleep.”
I nodded saying, “Sometimes… Uh… It’s a good distraction when I have the mental horsepower to stay focused enough to work on it.”
I then continued, “Meditation helps too when I can pull it off. But over the past few days…”
Julia interrupted softly, “In just a little while the air quality will be back to normal, and we’ll all feel much better. I know going outside for some ‘fresh air’ helps you beat the anxiety. It helps us all under normal circumstances.”
Julia then came over and sat down next to me. She then took my hands in her own, facing towards me as she did so saying, “You don’t need me to tell you that what you’re trying to process isn’t a straight up life or death type situation. You also know that the other matter that’s playing itself out in South Dakota doesn’t exactly fall under the realm of normal, either.”
Julia then gave my hands a light squeeze before asking, “Do you feel responsible for what’s been happening?” When I nodded, she asked, “Why?”
“With the deal out in South Dakota, I can’t help wondering what the hell I missed. Why didn’t I see it coming? I grew up with the bastard after all. How could I not know he’d eventually do what he did.”
I then downed the rest of my coffee in one before saying, “There has to be something I missed and if I hadn’t, I might have been able to at least warn people. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.”
I then said, “The other situation… Health problems happen. I get that. But I also know that brain leads body. And… I… It’s like I’m watching someone commit suicide right in front of me while I’ve got my hands tied behind my back and it’s my fault because I exist as I am. That’s what it feels like. I know it can’t be their conscious intention but…”
I then finished and sat for a long while just staring off into space. Then I said quietly, “I’m sorry I woke you. It was never my intention to… I mean… I know you’ve got a long day ahead of you, too, even though you’re working from here.”
“Brian?” Julia said softly with just a hint of irritation in her voice. “Shut up,” she finished.
She then stood, pulling me with her and said as she put her arms around me, “You aren’t meant to fix everything. You know that, right?” When I nodded, she kissed me saying, “And… You also know that no matter what you’re feeling, you are still the strongest person I know on the face of this planet, right?”
When I just looked at her and didn’t say anything, Julia chuckled throatily saying, “And there it is. You’re not feeling certain about what’s normal and what’s not so a vote of confidence in you isn’t going to help much because you’ve lost confidence in you. That’s where you are right now, right?”
When I didn’t respond, Julia watched me steadily for a long moment before lightly kissing me on the lips and said, “You will get past this. You aren’t alone here. I’m not giving up on you. You aren’t weak. You’re not stupid.”
Julia then paused, giving me another kiss before saying, “You also grew up in an environment where the adults needed a ten-year-old to lie for them so they could run an illegal business out of their house amongst other things. So… I can certainly see why you might be wrestling with feelings of guilt and responsibility. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m not even saying that growing up under those circumstances is the root cause of what you’re feeling right now. That’s not my place. But… As an observer… Well…”
Julia kissed me lightly again saying warmly, “The fact that you’ve been able to get this far speaks volumes to me. You’ve already told me that at times you feel like something is locked away within you and screaming to come out. Maybe all this is what is needed so that can happen. And… When it does, we’ll deal with it, ok?”
I nodded and she kissed me again before saying, “You are strong enough. I’m blessed to have you in my life. You are more than good enough for any woman, let alone me. You can do this. You’ve got this and will always have me.”